I get it. Being single can leave you shoveling spoonfuls from a half-melted tub of ice cream on a friday night, sprawled on your couch, staring at your phone, desperate for someone to ask you to go out tonight. In a very unfortunate scenario, your friends are all bundled up on their couches too, with the slight difference that they are not alone but lying in someone’s arms – or even worse – being fed the ice cream they didn’t even have to get from the freezer themselves. Then you wonder how your life got to this point, why it is so miserable and why you are so lonely. Being single sucks. It sucks if you don’t know why it sucks, and how to change it – so let’s change that. 

The belongingness theory

There is nothing wrong with wishing for a partner. I also find myself lying in bed every so often, losing sleep over the thought of an arm around my waist. Who wouldn’t?
The interdependent creatures that we are, we all strive for connection. Forming and maintaining relationships is actually one of our fundamental motivations as humans. Our need to be around others is way more than a desire – it is wired into our very being. In fact, the belongingness theory states that our need to belong can be almost as great as our need for food. This brings us back to the tub of ice cream, without developing this idea any further right now, there is an undeniable correlation between lacking social bonds and comfort eating.

The relationships in our lives have to meet two main criteria to satisfy our desire for connection. The term ‘main criteria’ is intentional, as there are, of course, many other factors that contribute to a pleasing relationship. Approval and intimacy for example, are two further requirements for forming and maintaining social bonds.
Let’s look at the first main criteria. A relationship has to be based on pleasant interactions – pretty self explanatory, of course they should. Spending time with someone for the simple purpose of not being alone, well knowing we don’t enjoy each other’s company, is pointless.
Ideally, our relationships should be like a good tennis rally, the game only works if both are engaged, as soon as one stops, the game’s off.
The second criteria is time. A relationship has to have an enduring, temporally stable character to be fulfilling. Even pleasant connections without regular contact will feel less satisfying. When we look at these two main criteria, we can conclude that a committed relationship therefore meets our need to belong quite effectively.
In this context, a committed relationship is a partnership between two individuals, who have made the mutual decision to prioritize and invest in their connection over the long term. Doesn’t that sound great? If a relationship allows us to fulfill one of our deepest intrinsic urges, how could anyone be content without one? 

If it’s forced, it’s not a real connection

Again, this might seem fairly apparent. Though, recognizing that a connection is forced, is not always. Sometimes, the one thing we need most, is the last thing that we want to do – like accepting distance, when all we wish for is closure, no matter how it will make us feel when we get it. 

Enjoyable social bonds should form easily, and without the need for specific or ideal conditions. Hence why ignoring our boundaries, constantly going out of our way to sustain a connection and therefore forcing it will, in the long run, break us.
People enter relationships all the time that offer some benefits, but overall, they serve more as a way to avoid being single. An explanation might be that often enough, being single is still associated with being lonely. While this is partially true – yes time spent alone will most likely increase – so does the time which we can invest in other, meaningful relationships.
Focusing on frequent quality time with the same people, who are already in our lives, will effortlessly bring genuine contentement. 

How being lonely is at the core of unpleasant single hood

Loneliness is arguably one of the worst feelings. It is one that we all have or will experience more or less throughout our lives. It hits you when you cook too much rice and realize you’ll be eating it for the next few days because there is no one to share it with. It hits you when you wake up alone again, under a big, cozy duvet, meant for two. It hits you when there is no one to tell, that you are back from holiday. 

Surprisingly, according to science, someone who feels lonely, isn’t necessarily someone who spends more time alone. It is rather someone who spends less intentional time with people they actually care about. You can have 20 friends, or even more, and feel lonesome, as long as you lack intimate, reciprocated connections you are very likely to feel lonely. It is not so much about mere social contact, but belongingness. 

Happiness in life in general is strongly correlated with having some close personal relationships. Interestingly enough, research suggests that it does not seem to make a great deal of a difference whether those relationships are romantic or platonic. So if you feel miserable, only due to the fact that you are not in a committed relationship, it’s presumably not a partner you’re missing. It’s usually a lack of all sorts of meaningful connections.
Meaningful relationships don’t have to be romantic. They can be platonic too, they can mean family. Quality over quantity.  There is so much more to life than a committed, romantic relationship (and not having to share a tub of ice cream is only one of the little joys).